Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
