jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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