The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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