when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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