He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Can I color on your dick again?
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
