i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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