I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
