if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
