That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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