I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Randomize
