I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
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