you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
