After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
