we're chasing vodka with high fives
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
