I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
