i love accidental penises.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
