So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
