I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
