peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
