my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
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