the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Randomize
