i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Randomize
