I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
