I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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