she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
