I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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