now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
