So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
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