In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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