I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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