i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
