I think i peed on brittanys purse
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
