Soap is not a condiment
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
