i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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