this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
