WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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