I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
