Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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