why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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