ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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