My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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