Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Randomize
