everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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