just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
