your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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