the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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