I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
