worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
