I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
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