so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Randomize
