god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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