I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
