i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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